From What If to What Is
The most common two-word phrases we hear when working with elite organizations, coaches, and athletes is: “should have”. I should have asked for clarity. I should have prepared more. I should have been more direct. According to Dr. Ellen Langer, these are all forms of mindless regret–replaying imagined outcomes we can truly never know.
Regret is the product of a comparison with an illusion. We will never know what if. We do not have access to an alternate reality. We only know what is; our present, knowable reality.
Making the Right Decision
Langer talks about how individuals, especially leaders, get caught up in trying to make the “right” decision. But calling something right assumes there is wrong; again, a reality we will never experience. The truth? Most decisions just are.
The more leaders operate in this limbo space of right or wrong, good or bad, the more paralyzed they become. Hamlet, perhaps the archetype for indecision, was trapped in the turmoil of “to be or not to be.” His suffering wasn’t caused by his choices, but his inability to make one.
Making the Decision Right
Instead of trying to make the right decision, just make the decision. Research shows that leaders who make decisions with confidence, even amid uncertainty, tend to build more trust and momentum than those who live in indecision.
This is where Langer’s core message comes into play: presence. Without it, even a confident decision becomes meaningless if it’s constantly compared to the unknown “what if.”
What Is
The practice of What Is is just that: focusing on what is. If you find yourself stuck in recurring what if thoughts, try writing down your current reality and what it’s teaching you, or what you’re learning from it. Anchor yourself to the present and let your reality guide your next step.
A final thought from poet Rainer Maria Rilke: “Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.”
